AbleBodies

Practice Makes Perfect

Since I can remember, labels have frustrated me. The concept of judging each other based on what clothing brand we wear isn’t right. But, I’m not talking about these labels; I’m talking about the labels at the root of our being, the labels inside us. These aren’t discovered until someone approaches us and has genuine conversation. It’s through these genuine conversations which true appreciation and understanding are reached.

During the middle of my high school years, I realized I was “different” than my peers. As I was growing up, I’d always been involved in sports, and high school was no different. I was never a superstar, yet loved the camaraderie being part of a team. Despite a locker room atmosphere constantly being around me, I didn’t feel I fit in with the rest of the guys, but kept pushing onward. I ignored the slurs which were barked: “that’s gay”, “hey fag” “faggot”, “you run like a girl”. My stomach sank and body ached each time I heard these. All the talks about girls and which ones were the hottest were so off setting; I tried avoiding these altogether to save myself from lying. I was a shell of myself, hiding in fear of what might happen. I was ashamed to be viewed as “different”, and then, be punished for not being the “typical jock”. I was terrified of what I thought  others would say and do. I kept to myself, only boiling over my frustration and anger. Coming to terms with my sexual identity was something I didn’t fully accept until a few years later, but this struggle also brought on the real struggles of depression, anxiety, and bipolar. I’ve accepted I’ll probably carry these scars with me for the rest of my life.

On the outside, I was seen as “normal” because my day wasn’t that different from my peers: wake up, go to school, go to practice, come home, eat dinner, and relax before going to bed, only to wake up to start a new day. None of my peers saw my sleep routine. None of my peers knew what I did when they weren’t around. My peers didn’t know the battles I was facing, the ones eating me from the inside out. Despite the amount of time spent around my teammates, they didn’t truly know me. It was much easier to focus on the everyday. I craved for someone to ask me about me, to dig deeper. Instead, I listened to what everyone said, true to my nature.

If I had a label back then, it would read “Depression, Anxiety, Gay, Bipolar, Jock” and my teammates and classmates wouldn’t know how to treat me. Today, my label remains the same, more or less. Just the same as then, some people don’t know how to label me. The main difference is that now I accept who I am and I know ways to counter those who say I’m not “normal”. Underneath all the layers, I’m human. You’re human. We’re all human. I’m the same person as I was, except now I’m a seasoned veteran as opposed to a 2-star prospect.

Removing a label isn’t always easy. But, once it’s removed, there is a sense of accomplishment and you want to show off your new item. The same rule applies to getting to know someone, with genuine conversation doing the label removal instead of your fingers. Remove the labels and get to know someone new; we live in a melting pot, where each story is waiting to be shared. Let someone share their story.

 

The bare bones. Feel free to add your own label. Better yet, make your own.

 - Brandon - 

The Self-Esteem Factor

Self-esteem is something many people struggle with on a daily basis. Some folks are paralyzed by low self-esteem and it affects every segment of their life. Others feel that self-esteem plummet under specific circumstances.

As a kid growing up, I suffered from low self-esteem. I was (and still am to a greater extent) a nerdy-looking person. While I don’t particularly care anymore about this, as an awkward kid attending school in a rough small town like San Diego, Texas, it can hit home. And someone like me is easy pickings for the other group of kids with low self-esteem: the bullies.

Never one to belong to the popular crowd, I blended in and was one of those kids who got by. People knew me because the school district was small, but I was hardly a blip on the radar. I was the shy, introverted kid, who said little, even though I wanted to speak up. But that just never happened.

As I got older and entered junior high, life got a little tougher. I started noticing girls and how “hot” they were. Hormones are raging and voices deepening and it’s a natural thing to want to, well, mix with the opposite sex. Looking back, it was an epic fail. Never a date or anything. I never got the guts to ask a single girl out on a date.

Looking back, my awkward nature and inability to simply walk up to a girl and ask her, “Wanna hang out?” just wasn’t in the plan. There was a deep understanding that I’d be shot down, laughed at and ridiculed. So I admired from afar.

But this self-esteem issue goes much farther than simply not asking a girl on a date. I joined no extra-curricular activities or sports. Many of my friends started football or basketball or joined UIL. Not me. Was there a want to join activities? Yes, but the want is as far as I got.

High school, which can be the black hole of existence, saw me head into an interesting direction. If classmates look back and think about how I acted, most would say I was funny or did outrageous things.  A few years back, one classmate even said I was the cool dude who stood off by himself who didn’t care. Interesting observation but clearly incorrect.

The humor I used during high school was a mask. Most people walk around with one, two, three or more masks to cover up true feelings or to make themselves feel better. My humor was my mask covering up my low self-esteem.

Entering high school, I was considered a nerd, picked on by the upper classmen, pushed around in the hallways and belittled whenever the opportunity presented itself. But after issues with my vision, where did that leave me? Nowhere but down. On top of having the stigma of being a nerdy guy, I was now the nerdy “blind” guy.

To compensate? Let’s have a laugh fest at my expense. It seemed the only way to cope with how shitty I felt. I got laughs and laughs, in my mind, equaled acceptance. I wonder now how many of those laughs were at my expense? I wager that most were aimed at me and not with me.

While I went through high school, I wore that jester’s mask and played it to the hilt. Behind that mask was a teenager who felt isolated and alone, never quite fitting into situations and most company.

It’s only now with a couple of decades of perspective that I see all this. Perspective is great. Too bad it most always happens way after the fact.

And these days, you ask? My self-esteem is better. I am confident in most things I do. Do I have dips in my self-esteem? Sure. Doesn’t everyone? Except these days I shrug off those moments because I have a little thicker skin. 

- Roel -

One Life To Live

September is a strange month. School starts, leaves change colors, summer ends, and tornadoes/hurricanes destroy land and lives, among others. As many carry on with their “normal” lives, my awareness is heightened because September is National Suicide Prevention Month.

My clinical diagnosis tells me I’m at a high risk of not only thinking about suicide, but acting on those fatal thoughts. The negative stigma placed on anyone with a disability--- hidden or visible--- puts me at a high risk. Being gay also means I’m perceived as different, which puts me at a high risk. When a negative stigma is present, it affects how a person perceives themselves. Too often, the thought pattern of these people takes a turn for the worse, ultimately leading to suicide. As if the negative perception of oneself isn’t strong enough, bullying adds a heavy weight for many. Disappointingly, the suicide rates continue to rise within two groups I’m in: the mental health community and the LGBT community. The correlation between being an easy target for bullies and suicide rates is too strong to ignore. Those who cause emotional duress and physical pain need to realize the profound impact they’re having on innocent people trying to live their lives.

Some general statistics regarding suicide rates in the U.S.:
- Second leading cause of death among youth (ages 10-24), taking an average of 4,600 lives annually
- 16% of high school students, from public and private schools, seriously consider suicide
- Over 60% of youth dying from suicide are diagnosed with major depression
- Nearly 15% of the population suffers from clinical depression during their life. 30% of clinically depressed patients attempt suicide, with 50% dying from suicide
- Every 13 minutes, a life is lost to suicide

Here’s what numbers say about LGBT youth in the U.S.:
- 4 times more likely to carry through on a suicide attempt than heterosexual peers
- Suicide attempts are 4-6 more times more likely to result in injury, poisoning, or overdose requiring treatment, than straight peers
- Nearly 50% of transgender youth have seriously considered taking their lives, while almost 25% carry through on a suicide attempt
- When LGBT victimization occurs (physical/verbal abuse), self -harming oneself increases 250%
- A child coming from a family which rejects them is 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide than coming from a family which doesn’t reject them

Being a kid these days is tough. Everywhere they look, they’re told they’re not good enough, that they’re doing something wrong. When a child is constantly bullied, erasing the pain and torment is excruciating; that’s what they know. Nobody should ever have the power to tell someone they’re not worth living. Time and time again, I hear a person commits suicide because of continuous bullying. While I don’t have an immediate connection to the person who took their life, I can relate. I relate because I was there, contemplating and considering suicide as the only option. Initially, I was too weak to realize by taking my own life, I was empowering those doubting me. Over years of strengthening my mind and my support system, I realized I wouldn’t to stoop to their level. This is an ongoing process which is worth all the struggles encountered along the way.

I’m living proof that tumultuous times can be conquered with the right mindset, strong support group, and hope in hand. Do me a favor to realize how important you are: look in the mirror, place your hand over your heart. Feel that? It’s called life. Live it.

The Trevor Project has a great new PSA, "Ask For Help" (http://www.thetrevorproject.org/site/AskforHelp). This makes it easy for LGBT youth to share firsthand with others having the same struggles. The Trevor Project always has counselors to help guide you and remind you that you are good enough, despite what others say. The work this organization does is life saving, to say the least.

- Brandon