As of late, I’ve been trying to be more mindful and in the present. I’ve found that I was living but not really experiencing what I was doing or thinking in the present. Yes, the future is important and what we’ve done in the past can affect who we are today, but ultimately today is what matters and what we can control. There is a line in the song “Reach for the Sky” by Social Distortion that is apt and speaks to this: “Yesterday is history/And tomorrow is a mystery.”
I mean, if you can’t enjoy where you are now then life’s no fun. And life should be fun and lived to the fullest.
I think it started sometime this summer when a radical shift occurred in me. Not that I fully ever truly lived in the moment or was all-out mindful, but a shift did happen where I stepped away, took a sideways movement, maybe even a backward one.
And the thing is, I knew it. I was conscious that I was living outside myself and not inside where I was aware of everything. It was like watching myself in life but not really experiencing it.
And it’s not like it’s all about me. I am comprised of so many elements from husband and father, teacher and friend, writer and a love for life. Segments that make up many people’s lives.
Yet, I was feeling far removed from people in my life and also separated from what I enjoy. I was taking little pleasure out of life.
But within me was this realization, though, I think it was deep inside. It only surfaced in the past month or so. This realization slowly made its way out of the dark, depths of my mind to the sunny surface, where I saw it in plain sight. Then the questions began. Really, one question: What happened to me?
With a bit of help and conversation, clarity set in. I lost my groove and it was time to get it back.
I figured out that losing my groove meant losing what sense of mindfulness I had. I was no longer living in the present. I wasn’t enjoying the people and experiences and loves like I should. Like I did.
Things started falling into place some weeks ago. There were chance (or maybe not) conversations with a few of my students that reflected what I was going through. Some books were recommended that truly fit my out-of-sync mood. In one week’s time, things started falling gelling. Conversations with certain friends led to further revealing of mindfulness or a lack thereof.
I then came across by chance (or maybe not) a web site with free meditations. I began meditating daily.
Am I wholly mindful now? No, not even close. But I am aware of it and I make a conscious shift to do so. To experience the breathing, hear the footsteps as I walk, smell the aroma of a lunchtime meal or listen to birds chirping in trees. Even feel snowflakes hitting my face. Feeling the words on a page.
Everything just came together to try to help me out to gain this mindfulness. A quote from Paulo Coelho’s book The Alchemist comes to mind: “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
- Roel -
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