Self-esteem is something many people struggle with on a daily basis. Some folks are paralyzed by low self-esteem and it affects every segment of their life. Others feel that self-esteem plummet under specific circumstances.
As a kid growing up, I suffered from low self-esteem. I was (and still am to a greater extent) a nerdy-looking person. While I don’t particularly care anymore about this, as an awkward kid attending school in a rough small town like San Diego, Texas, it can hit home. And someone like me is easy pickings for the other group of kids with low self-esteem: the bullies.
Never one to belong to the popular crowd, I blended in and was one of those kids who got by. People knew me because the school district was small, but I was hardly a blip on the radar. I was the shy, introverted kid, who said little, even though I wanted to speak up. But that just never happened.
As I got older and entered junior high, life got a little tougher. I started noticing girls and how “hot” they were. Hormones are raging and voices deepening and it’s a natural thing to want to, well, mix with the opposite sex. Looking back, it was an epic fail. Never a date or anything. I never got the guts to ask a single girl out on a date.
Looking back, my awkward nature and inability to simply walk up to a girl and ask her, “Wanna hang out?” just wasn’t in the plan. There was a deep understanding that I’d be shot down, laughed at and ridiculed. So I admired from afar.
But this self-esteem issue goes much farther than simply not asking a girl on a date. I joined no extra-curricular activities or sports. Many of my friends started football or basketball or joined UIL. Not me. Was there a want to join activities? Yes, but the want is as far as I got.
High school, which can be the black hole of existence, saw me head into an interesting direction. If classmates look back and think about how I acted, most would say I was funny or did outrageous things. A few years back, one classmate even said I was the cool dude who stood off by himself who didn’t care. Interesting observation but clearly incorrect.
The humor I used during high school was a mask. Most people walk around with one, two, three or more masks to cover up true feelings or to make themselves feel better. My humor was my mask covering up my low self-esteem.
Entering high school, I was considered a nerd, picked on by the upper classmen, pushed around in the hallways and belittled whenever the opportunity presented itself. But after issues with my vision, where did that leave me? Nowhere but down. On top of having the stigma of being a nerdy guy, I was now the nerdy “blind” guy.
To compensate? Let’s have a laugh fest at my expense. It seemed the only way to cope with how shitty I felt. I got laughs and laughs, in my mind, equaled acceptance. I wonder now how many of those laughs were at my expense? I wager that most were aimed at me and not with me.
While I went through high school, I wore that jester’s mask and played it to the hilt. Behind that mask was a teenager who felt isolated and alone, never quite fitting into situations and most company.
It’s only now with a couple of decades of perspective that I see all this. Perspective is great. Too bad it most always happens way after the fact.
And these days, you ask? My self-esteem is better. I am confident in most things I do. Do I have dips in my self-esteem? Sure. Doesn’t everyone? Except these days I shrug off those moments because I have a little thicker skin.
- Roel -
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